Why She Stood You Up and How To Fix It Today

What getting stood up feels like

When you wear your best plain grey hoodie and get stood up at your favorite puddle between the two mountains

James,

So you got stood up on Tinder. I was a bit sorry to hear that. I remember the first time I got stood up. It wouldn’t be my last time either. Remember that getting stood up isn’t a terrible thing, yet. It feels like a terrible thing but it is a sign of progress.

When you put yourself out there, you are always offering someone else the chance to say no. If you aren’t messing up you aren’t trying hard enough.

I don’t think there is any point in moping about it. And I don’t think there is anything to be gained from calling the young lady bad names or making assumptions about her character. Instead, I propose we look inward. What could you have done better to ensure that she wouldn’t stand you up?

You see, that is what makes a man. Accountability. There are maybe a handful of ways to move from boy to man and one of the best ways is accountability.

I would say hardship, but many people endure hardship and what do they do? They blame others. They find reasons why their hardship is in no way their fault. They will never get ahead because they will never look for a solution to their problems. They will demand “level playing field” before they even try to improve their situation. There is no level playing field. It is a myth. Those people will never get ahead. They will always be children.

The world will never run short of people looking to blame others for their problems. That’s why when winners separate themselves from the herd, they end up being big winners.

So back to the matter at hand. You got stood up. Sucks, right? Yeah, I thought you would agree.

From the tiny snippet you showed me, just seeing your two messages, I knew what went wrong. First, you decided to ask for the young lady’s number through an elaborate joke.

There are plenty of people who say to keep it light on Tinder. There are more than enough stupid click-bait articles online doling out “advice” on how to Tinder. Some encourage being clever and funny, to “stand out.”

That’s nonsense. You stand out because you are you. You are inherently unique.

Not that you are a special snowflake, but you must internalize the idea that your unique experiences as a human being make you different from every other human being. Then you must accept that that is enough. You do not need to impress any stranger, ever, by being witty.

It may seem harmless to ask for her number through a joke, but that is misguided. Asking through a joke sends an implicit message that you are afraid to ask directly for her number and you don’t expect her to give it to you any way.

It’s just a means to protect your ego.

Ergo, it’s a boyish, sheepish move to ask for her number in a joke and she even called you on it, in the covert way that only women know how to do.

You made a timid move and she offered you a shot at redemption. To see if you were a boy. And you failed her test.

Getting a Date with Emily on Tinder

When you “ask” for a girl’s number (through a joke, no less) and she replies with “buy me something first,” the correct answer is never, ever, “not a problem.”

Can see you see the imbalance in the relationship already? Before you even meet? You can? Good.

You could have tipped the scale back in your favor with “Not a problem. You can choose between shit beer 1 or malt liquor.” Or you could have said, “Not a problem. You get first round and I’ll get second. Then I’ll get your number.”

In the grand scheme: who does she think she is? She doesn’t get to bargain your cash for her attention. You should be outraged. That’s a fool’s deal! But you were totally cool with it.

You basically submitted that you would pay her for her number.

Now imagine that I offered you to pay me five dollars to be your friend.

Do you see how she will have to regard you now? You didn’t give her a choice. She can’t respect that. Obviously she didn’t; that’s why she stood you up.

After agreeing to buy her something in return for nothing, you “set up the date.” You went with, “I’ll be at so and so, meet me up.” No, no, no.

This is more of the same. Like asking through a joke, it reeks of needing an “out.” It’s just an ego defense mechanism in case she says no. By playing it safe, it implies that if she says no, you will feel bad, which means your self-worth hangs (to some degree) on her approval. A stranger.

It implies that her opinion MATTERS. It does not. She is a stranger. She is not better than you, she is on Tinder doing the same thing you are.

By not asking directly for a date, you set up the future rationalization: “I was going to be out anyway, so no loss to me.” This is just a move to protect your ego from being bruised in case she says no. Kill your ego.

These are things women are super keen at picking up. This is how they tell boys from men.

Women are far more intuitive at this sort of stuff than us. Even though they probably couldn’t explain it to you, they would just feel it. Women are much more in tune with vibes than us.

Sorry about this, but to be sure I was correct, I showed the conversation to my girlfriend and asked, “What would you do if a guy asked you out like this?”

She said, “If I was already going to be there, I would meet him. Get some free drinks. Go to the bathroom. And sneak out.” I asked if she would go out of her way to meet, she said no. On just two messages she could make that call and so could I.

I don’t say this to hurt your feelings. I say this to bring to light the glaring inconsistency between what you are told (or what you think) and what is.

Now that you have been told the truth, and you understand why she stood you up, you will see it as it is happening and stop it from happening again.

Make sure before you engage a girl anywhere, ever, you realize that even if you are pursuing her, that does not make her better than you. Nor should you give away all your power to her. That’s what Redheads and Bedspreads teaches you.

Don’t be cute. Being cute is for boys. Don’t dance around what you want. You want to meet a girl, don’t you? Yes, you are on Tinder to meet a girl. Don’t feel ashamed for asking a girl who matched you for her number. She is on Tinder to meet a man. So be a man. That is what makes you stand out.

Avoid being indirect. Don’t indirectly ask for the number through a joke. Don’t indirectly ask for the date by saying “I’ll be here.” Be direct. Risk being told, “no thanks.”

That’s it for today.

You’re a good guy and you deserve a good girl. We’ll get you there.

Good Luck,

Kyle

About the Author Kyle Milligan

I'm Kyle Milligan, I write New Adult Books that don't suck. i.e. The Hang-Ups and Hangovers series. I like to write about the challenges of being a single twenty-something in today's hookup culture. My blog offers Dating Advice For Men.

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