Should I Add Her On Facebook? The Definitive Answer To A BIG Mistake

Adding girls on Facebook etiquette

Should you add her on Facebook? Adding girls on social media may seem harmless, but you should know why sending that friend request is a MISTAKE.


Today you asked me some questions on Facebook that proved concerns I’ve had. You see, over my last six letters I have been worried that my advice has been far too theoretical. That’s why in my last letter I showed you my principles at work and demonstrated how to get a girl on Tinder in 9 messages. Still, the questions you asked me about adding a girl on Facebook today proved that I haven’t done a good enough job at showing you how to implement the correct mindset.

I have instructed that in everything regarding women you should ask yourself three things.

Am I being:

  • Direct
  • Confident
  • Congruent

But I haven’t given you many scenarios to apply this mindset to help you adapt it. Today you handed me a great example.

Adding Girls On Facebook

Last night you caught a girl eye banging you while at a party and told me: “I talked to the people she was with and they said she wanted to talk to me. By the time I was able to try and talk to her, she had left. Would it be weird if I added her on Facebook?”

I love this question. I love it so much because it proves how applicable my three principles are to ANY situation, and how you can ALWAYS turn to them instead of having to ask anyone else (though I don’t mind helping you one bit, my friend).

Let’s think about this. A girl was eye banging you and you missed your shot. Should you add her on Facebook?

Let’s just go for the broad template question: Would adding her on Facebook be confident, direct, and congruent?

Why add girls on Facebook?

Think about it.

You probably have it in your mind that you’ll add her on Facebook and she will be notified of the request. Then you’ll be on her radar. Then maybe you guys will start talking?

So you would be using a Facebook friend request to maybe hint interest? Sort of, kind of? You see all the ambiguity here?


We as men do not do “indirect.” That is for boys. Adding her on Facebook conveys no intent. It is a trick for your ego to stay happy. Like using a joke to ask for a girl’s number. “If she doesn’t add me nothing lost.” You see the pattern here? You’re repeating the old erroneous behavior. You’re playing it safe.

If you do not directly ask a girl out then you do not risk a direct rejection. That is cowardice and women resent cowardice. This is LAW, James. There is no discussion about it.

Think of it like this: if there is no risk there is no reward. As a matter of fact, if you don’t take risk, you are moving backwards.

We know how this scenario is “supposed” to play: She liked me, she even told her friends. I will add her on Facebook. She will see it and we’ll start talking.  We’ll hit it off. We will go on a date and be happy.

Boys love this thought pattern. The problem is none of it will happen.

To even initiate this process requires an indirect mindset. An indirect person will never make his intentions known because he is a coward. He’ll never have gall to get past hello. He won’t ask for the date without absolute assurance that she’ll say yes. And the poor girl will have to tolerate his timidity because he’s just an idiot and hasn’t done anything wrong or outright offensive. Besides wasting her time.

If she’s pretty she probably has to deal with this ten times a week.

Even if one can muster up the courage to be direct behind a keyboard, it still won’t do you any good.

You see, women don’t think like men. Men are logical, linear thinkers. Women are more fluid. They are much more in tune with their emotions and the moment.

You saw a girl checking you out. You assume she must be attracted. Well, maybe she was THEN. But she is not a linear thinker (“if x then y” or “she liked me then so she likes me now”) like you. She will see your friend request and think, “Is this that guy from the party? Why did he add me? Has he just been thinking about me this whole time? So he won’t talk to me in real life but he’ll add me on Facebook? What a creep…” (ask any girl on Facebook to validate this for you)

That is why I promptly instructed you to let this girl go. Do NOT add her on Facebook. If you start that way then you ALREADY have the wrong mindset. You have lost before you begin.

You have to forget everything you know and replace it with: confident, direct, and congruent. The rest is details.

So what would someone confident, direct, and congruent do? Good question. Let’s tackle that now.


We have to rewind back to the night of the party. You caught a girl eye-banging you. A confident man would have handled it THEN.

If you have registered a signal as obvious as an eye-banging gaze, you have yourself a pretty warm lead, my friend. Confidence is the absence of uncertainty. You caught her looking, so assume attraction. It’s like a right swipe on Tinder.

Remember in my last letter I said you must assume attraction. I said it may not always help you to assume, but it will ALWAYS hurt you to not assume. Well, this is exactly that lesson in real time.

You didn’t assume she was hot for you. I know because 1. you didn’t go talk to her and 2. you asked other people and not her.

Imagine your biggest high school or college crush. Or imagine the hottest girl you matched on Tinder or even that very girl from the party. If you walked into your bedroom and that woman was waiting on your bed, in her underwear, licking her lips, would you go ask her friends if she likes you?

Nah, you’d assume she was ready to go.

The thing is you will NEVER get “enough” reassurance like you seek (which is what you are doing when you talked to her friends even though she was within eye sight at one point – indirect, weak) to make a move.

If you KNEW in your bones she wanted you, you would have dashed to her in a poof of smoke. That’s how I know you didn’t assume.

Don’t expect reassurance. As a matter of fact, expect her to hide her attraction from you. It’s not in girls’ nature to be forward with their attraction like men. So assume attraction.

assume attraction adding girls on facebook underwear

Few girls will just lay it out there for you. You’re going to have to assume attraction.


You know she’s looking. You have assumed she must be attracted to you if she’s looking your way. Time to go say hello.

Oh yes, my friend. Right then.

As a matter of fact, you have about three seconds to get your ass moving. Because it takes about three whole seconds for your ego to wake up and wreck all your chances at happiness.

Your ego hates risk. Because if you get embarrassed it will bruise your ego. Your ego thinks it is a king. It wants to stay king. If it can stop you from taking a risk it can’t be dethroned.

Your ego will come up with all sorts of STUPID reasons to thwart your confidence.

“Your friends are watching.”
“She’s busy with her friends right now.”
“What if she shoots you down in front of all these people?”

You should recognize this sort of stuff. This ego interference is almost exclusively what Hang-Ups and Hangovers is about!

Your ego wants to keep safe, so it beats your confidence to DEATH with uncertainty so you won’t take risks. Your ego is not your amigo.

You see she’s looking, she’s cute, now ignore EVERYTHING else and get moving! Forget your conversation (say “excuse me a second”) forget all the people watching, forget everything. There is a girl totally checking you out across the room!

Walk up to her and say hello.

I know what you’re thinking: “Then what?!” I always wondered the same thing.

Try this: “Hi. My name is James.” That’s it. Then stand there.

Remember that confidence building exercise I taught you? You should be practicing it EVERY DAY on EVERYBODY. We are just going to do the exercise on her.

Let’s break this down real quick. You walk up to her and say “Hi.” Pause and wait. When she gives you her attention, you lock eye contact and finish: “My name is James.” Now stand there.

You’re standing there? Good! You’re doing great!

“Hi James. My name is Rachel.” She’ll probably be a little embarrassed. A little caught off guard. Maybe smiling.

Your next instinct will be to fill the silence immediately. I challenge you to stand there. Keep eye contact. WAIT. Smile a little (no teeth though, you don’t want to look crazy). But above all else, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

Silence KILLS REGULAR PEOPLE. She will HAVE to break it. She’ll ask a question. “Sooo, what’s up?”

NOW YOU CAN BE DIRECT, “Oh, I just noticed you a second ago and I wanted to say hello. Having a good time?”

You’ll be blown away by how blown away she’ll be with your honesty. It just exudes confidence and it’s SO DAMN DIRECT. Damn James, I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.


Continue your conversation like this. Allow big pauses in the conversation because you know she likes you and wants to fill the silences. That’s your actions following your thoughts. What about your words?

Well, you already know she likes you so your words won’t ever seek reassurance from her. You’ll talk to her like a girl who is trying to get you into bed. But she’s gonna have to work for it.

Essentially, congruence turns the tables.

Seek Discomfort – Don’t Add Girls On Facebook

You will not get every girl you approach.

Sometimes she won’t be receptive. Sometimes she’ll be angry or shy or whatever. This will cause your ego discomfort. Your friends might crack jokes. You need to rise above all that. Remember the prize. SELECTION of women.

Dammit James, we are playing to win here and it just takes this little effort to separate you from 99% of men. You just have to take a little risk.

Comfort is for cowards.

Comfort comes from familiarity. You aren’t familiar with just picking up girls at parties (yet). If you stay comfortable then you are dwelling in what is familiar.

You want to keep dwelling in what is familiar? Are you happy with your “selection” of women? You said no. Good.

You must embrace discomfort. Seek it out. If you haven’t felt uncomfortable then you haven’t even taken a BABY step toward bettering your situation with women. Listen up here: Winners LOVE discomfort.


So do I think you should add her on Facebook? NO!

That’s it for today, my friend.

Good luck,


About the Author Kyle Milligan

I'm Kyle Milligan, I write New Adult Books that don't suck. i.e. The Hang-Ups and Hangovers series. I like to write about the challenges of being a single twenty-something in today's hookup culture. My blog offers Dating Advice For Men.

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