Hypergamy – She’s Looking At You

Hypergamy – This Is What You Came For

Today I was at the gym and I overheard a song I’ve ignored as it played 10,000 times this week. The song was This Is What You Came For by Calvin Harris featuring Rihanna. This time I tuned in to the lyrics.

Baby, this is what you came for
Lightning strikes every time she moves
And everybody’s watching her
But she’s looking at you, oh, oh

It got me thinking, as I often do, about the dynamics between men and women. The only thing we know about the male in the song is another girl is looking at him; The most prized girl in the room. By that merit alone, he has the singer’s attention. I listened further.

We go fast with the game we play
Who knows why it’s gotta be this way
We say nothing more than we need
I say, “Your place, ” when we leave

Who knows why? I DO! I DO! I DO! The answer is called “Hypergamy.” Hypergamy is the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class. But it doesn’t just end once you have a ring and a contract. Basically, it is the intrinsic drive to continually “trade up” to someone better.

Hypergamy isn’t a popular idea because it threatens monogamy, the most exalted and esteemed relationship lifestyle among regular people.  Hypergamy is an uncomfortable idea at best, but tons and tons of essays have been written on it. I’m a rational person and the evidence is pretty overwhelming. Hypergamy is real.

Hypergamy is Real

Hypergamy is SO real that there is a chart topping dance song elaborating its inner workings. The singer knew nothing about the dude at the place. There was a hot chick looking at him. “But she’s looking at you, oh, oh.” This was enough social proof – the girl everyone wants is looking to one guy. He must be the guy – to go  home with him. He could have been the biggest scum bag on the planet, didn’t matter to our heroine. She obviously didn’t investigate any further than necessary: “We say nothing more than we need” and jumped quickly to “your place,” to, I dunno, play checkers maybe?

My friend gifted me his copy of The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi about a year ago and the information within blew my mind. Social constructs I didn’t know existed, such as hypergamy, were ruining my life. It felt kind of hopeless at first. Like basically all women were going to cheat and trade up eventually. It just made sense based on my experiences and the contents of the book. I had been on all sides. I had been cheated on. I had cheated. I had helped other girls cheat. Everybody was cheating! Everyone was searching for a fresh partner with a higher sexual marketplace value!

And it’s not just the “slutty” girls in short, tight dresses at the club. It’s your neighbor’s underappreciated housewife.

Hypergamy Backlash

I’ll admit, after learning about hypergamy, my next couple relationships weren’t very healthy. I was bitter about my new knowledge. I juggled a couple girls at once. Monogamy was a myth so what was the point? I never let any of them know much more about me than my address so they could come over when I called at whatever odd hours I felt like calling.

Over time I found a couple girls I really liked and I no longer enjoyed my empty, lady-carousel lifestyle. Luckily, even in my terrible relationships there were lessons to be learned.

One trend I noticed was I got laid more often when I was broke or unemployed. Like five times more. It didn’t jibe with my belief that money played into hypergamy and attracted women.

I also noticed that all the girls who badmouthed their man, or their ex, that guy was a deadbeat. He didn’t even have to be a bad guy. Just weak. Passive. Defer to her on regular decisions. Make her take the lead sexually.

Here’s A Real (Verbatim) Text Conversation

Her: “Anyway, he sucked in bed so sex didn’t happen often. I’m not into being dominant all the time & that’s what he wanted haha.”
Me: “That dude fucking SUCKS”
Her: “Tell me about it. To be desired is a strong trait in women, and when a guy doesn’t just throw it on you once in a while it fucking sucks.”

Combating Hypergamy

Fear not. Knowing hypergamy exists is a good thing. Why? Well, it’s hard as hell to play the game when you don’t know the rules. The simple recourse to the hypergamy issue is to have a higher sexual marketplace value than the competition. But how do you increase your sexual marketplace value?

Part one – Money? A lot of people think it’s MONEY. A lot of people are wrong. Sure, in some circles that works. But to even be admitted into those groups you must be loaded and you’d quickly realize how fickle those relationships are. Most people’s response to that trend is, I must not have enough money. So they keep driving the wrong direction because their map is WRONG. I thought it was money too. Until I was broke. The reality is that ambition is actually far more powerful than money.

Consider this – it isn’t the money that attracts the women. It’s the ambition that earned the money. You actually don’t even need the money. Just the certainty that you are going to be somebody. That’s enough. To start at least. If she discovers that you’re all talk no walk, she’ll be gone in a poof of smoke.

Part two – Be Assertive. The other day I had to make a decision, something marginal like, “what adjective should I use here?” I asked my girl. I caught myself asking her input every word choice that gave me conflict and deferring to her answer. It made me think of this time my friend was drafting an e-mail and he deferred to his girlfriend for the wording of virtually every sentence. She huffed. She corrected him. I watched her roll her eyes. It pained me to see that dynamic. I’ll never forget it because I was witnessing, in action, the exact scene girls complained about to me. I thanked my girl for her help and started making my own adjective decisions from then on. Once you start down that path of constantly needing her okay for everything, the next part is the challenging.

Beware The Downward Spiral

Your girl should not be challenging you on the regular but if you notice it happening, it’s a negative sign. This is your opportunity to stop the train in its tracks, and that’s what she wants. She wants you to stand up for yourself you little bitch! And that’s what she’ll tell the next guy she sleeps with. I guarantee that. If you get the feeling she’s being a bit too aggressive with you, don’t let that shit fly. If she challenges you in front of other people, you are in real trouble.

Next comes the bickering.

Once you have failed a couple challenges, basically your sexual marketplace value has dipped well below hers. In short, she can officially do better. She’ll bicker, complain, and question you constantly. Then hypergamy will strike. She’ll cheat, she won’t give a flying fuck that her cheating destroyed you (if you’ve ever been cheated on {or cheated} you know this cruel reality), and you’ll call your friends crying, “I don’t know what happened!”

Basically once your sexual marketplace value gets so low, she can’t respect you as a man or even as a person.

Staying Ahead of Hypergamy

This brings us back full circle. “She’s looking at you.” The best way to keep hypergamy at bay, at a macro level, is keep eyes on you. You don’t have to turn every head in the club. You don’t even have to visit clubs. You just have to be a person other girls would want. You don’t have to directly incite jealousy or competition. You don’t have to be banging other girls. Just be a man that girls would be lucky to have. The moral of the song is that women want men that other women want. Plain and simple.

Once you have a girl and she loves you, it’s yours to fuck up. In my experiences that I’ve shared, the minimum you need to do is keep yourself ambitious and assertive. Make decisions. Throw it on her every once in a while. The moment your girl realizes no other girl would want you, that’s your relationship’s death sentence.

About the Author Kyle Milligan

I'm Kyle Milligan, I write New Adult Books that don't suck. i.e. The Hang-Ups and Hangovers series. I like to write about the challenges of being a single twenty-something in today's hookup culture. My blog offers Dating Advice For Men.

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