How to Talk to Women for Introverts – Adapting The Right Mindset

Introverted guy and girl sitting on a bench

As an introvert, talking to girls can be a challenge. By fixing the way you think when talking to women, you can change what you say for the better.


It’s time to learn how to talk to women. By now you should have a date or two lined up. I’ve showed you how to get more matches on Tinder. I’ve also showed you how to get a girl on Tinder in nine messages. All the while I’ve been hammering the same lessons about being confident, direct, and congruent in every single article. You were already talking to girls and getting dates before my letters. My tips actually show that you have to do far less than you were doing before to get successful with women. I can only hold your hand so much before you have to put yourself out there.

Let’s talk about hand holding. Remember when I told you the only way to be more talkative was to talk to more people? It’s the same with pretty much any skill. You can read about how to throw a football, how to swing a golf club, how to do ANYTHING.

Would you consider yourself “quarterback material” as soon as you put down a how to throw a football book? You wouldn’t. Smart guy.

Of course you’d run out and test what you had read. Nothing you read matters until you THROW A FOOTBALL. The more throws the better.

The same is true with dating and women. You can read all you want but it won’t make any difference until you go out on some dates. So why don’t you just run out and do it? Well, the difference between football throwing and going on dates is the RISK.

You can throw a football a million times in private, by yourself, without fear of judgment. But you can’t ask a girl out by yourself. There will always be another person, and she is usually someone you don’t know very well. That is why you are asking her out. You wish to get to know her better.

Let’s talk about that. When you talk to a girl, there is enough pressure just because she is a stranger and you are interested in her. But there are strategies to relieve the pressure and cut yourself some slack.

Remember when I told you to assume attraction and approach a girl if you see her looking your way? Well, there’s another piece of the puzzle you should know.

First: Assume she likes you. Assume she wants to talk to you. Assume she will be relieved to have a direct, confident man speak to her. You are so much better than the regular, scared, indirect boys who waste her time beating around the bush.

But what should you say? It’s okay to wonder that and I have some good news for you if you’ll kindly read on.

The Trick to Easily Talk to Women

There is a little trick here that makes being confident and talking to girls so much easier. Once you understand SHE wants YOU (assume attraction) the next step is to screen HER.

Screening someone is basically getting a feel for them to determine if they are someone you want in your life or not. That is ALL you are doing when you are talking to a girl. The rest is details.

Guys want to learn how to talk to a girl and make her like them. The truth is, if you’re trying to make her like you, you’ve already lost.

If you try and make a woman like you, she will resent you, because you are trying to win her approval. When you try to win her approval, your self-esteem hangs on her reaction. When your self-esteem hangs on her reaction, you imply you are not good enough the way you are. That is not confident and therefore it is cowardly. Women hate cowards. Women love confident, direct, and congruent men.

Cat and mouse like each other

When you try to make a girl like you, you make yourself a mouse and make her the cat. How can she respect that???

When screening is done in person, you just walk up to her, say hello, and then try to find out if she is a girl you could see yourself hanging out with. (On Tinder you just ask her on a date and screen her then)

Like my other letters, I won’t give you “say this, say that,” advice. That is useless garbage people write so you will come running back to their site for the next hot “tip.” Instead, I will teach you how to think.

Screening gives you comfort and confidence. It gives you power if you are congruent. You think (thoughts) you want to know more about her. You talk (words) to her to gauge if she is a match for you. You react (actions) appropriately.

The reactions are the hardest part and guys usually screw this up BADLY.

As introverts, random party talk does not come easy to us, James. We like to people watch. We like to notice nuances and interactions and joke about them. As confident, congruent men, that’s who we are and how we will behave no matter who we are around.

I usually have already noticed one or two goofy people by the time I’ve been in a room for ten seconds. So if I’m talking to a girl, I’ll be the Kylest Kyle I can be. I would be my authentic self and say something like, “Hey, did you notice those people over there doing xyz?” (Think of the scene with Freddy at the bar in Redheads and Bedspreads)

If she answers, “Oh yeah. It’s crazy. Like, what makes them think that is a normal thing to do?” That’s a winner. That’s a girl I can click with. So I smile. That’s my reaction. Guys want to talk so damn much. They never allow silence.

If she says, “They are just living their life. Why are you judging them?” That’s not someone I can get along with. A weak man would buckle and fall into her point of view (her frame). He would justify what he said or apologize.

As a confident, congruent man, I would realize this is a sign that she and I wouldn’t have much fun together if that’s how she felt. I wouldn’t say much at all at this point. We don’t click. I definitely wouldn’t explain myself or justify my actions to make her like me. I learned this the HARD way (think of the TERRIBLE debacle with the Green Pants Girl in Hang-Ups and Hangovers. Yeah, that really happened EXACTLY as described).

Let’s talk about that.

A confident man never explains himself, because he is not worried of other’s judgment. He knows he cannot get along with everyone.

If a girl doesn’t like you James, it says nothing about you as a good or bad person. You two are just not compatible.

Think about this James, there are people who kill people. There are people who rape people. There are people who stab and steal and kidnap. NEVER let a disagreement of opinion (or misunderstanding) make you feel like a “bad” person.

If you start stabbing people though, you’re a total dick. And you should stop doing that.

So never explain yourself. It’s not what you said, it’s a compatibility issue. If something you said caused friction once, you will probably just disagree again very soon.

I’ll tell you a story. I was talking to a girl on Tinder once. I asked her on a date at 7pm. She said sure. She said she could come after the gym. I asked if she needed more time to shower and get ready. She said no, she would come straight from the gym. I told her no.

I asked her on a date and I was going to put forth the appropriate effort to look decent and I didn’t want her to come in her sweaty gym clothes. She thought I was a dick and thought too highly of myself and she let me know. I didn’t let that bug me.

I knew that if this person couldn’t put forth the effort to make a positive first impression, she was not the kind of person I wanted to try and go on dates with. Lord knows how that attitude would manifest after date two or three. I didn’t feel badly about myself for our differing opinions.

What this all boils down to, James, is self respect. I wasn’t going to change how I felt about something to pander to a stranger. Most guys would.

I wasn’t going to take time out of my day and go spend money to meet a stranger who didn’t respect me enough to at least not be in her sweaty gym clothes.

This was a really good looking girl. Because of her appearance, she has no doubt been pampered by the losers on Tinder. I am not that guy – and neither are you.

I didn’t “get” that girl and that’s fine. I know who I am and I could tell by that event (and other smaller hoops she tried to get me to jump through) that she wasn’t the girl for me.

Once you go on enough bad dates and blow enough money, you’ll take “hot chicks” off their pedestal. You’ll become far more selective.

That’s the power women have. They go on so many dates that they become very selective. They can do that because they have easy access to many dates and can rack up experiences quickly.

That’s why you need to use these tips and start going on at least one date a week. Then when you have taken your bad-date lumps and built up your confidence, you’ll screen until you find a girl who matches your interests.

Imagine the way she’ll laugh at all your jokes because you guys ACTUALLY get along. A great, quality girlfriend that you can adore. A girl who won’t put ridiculous demands on you because she’s used to walking all over men who aren’t confident enough to tell her no. Then you will find happiness.

That’s it for today.

Good luck,


About the Author Kyle Milligan

I'm Kyle Milligan, I write New Adult Books that don't suck. i.e. The Hang-Ups and Hangovers series. I like to write about the challenges of being a single twenty-something in today's hookup culture. My blog offers Dating Advice For Men.

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