Don’t Buy Into Girl’s Misconceptions About What They Want on First Dates

Cute girl laying in grass

Women think they know what they want on a first date and they’ll tell you all about it. But the smartest thing you can do is not listen to a girl’s advice about girls.

James,

There is a TON of misinformation about first dates out there. Stupid, STUPID advice telling you to be clever, pick something romantic, do something fun, etc, etc. You and I both know you should make the first date about yourself to ensure you are comfortable and find a girl who is a great fit for you. Still, I want to dispel terrible myths about first dates that even girls perpetuate.

Dating requires a lot of patience, my friend. ESPECIALLY at the beginning. Remember this, because social constructs will push you to SKIP STEPS and dive into ridiculous notions of “romance.”

Patience is key, though. It starts at the moment you say hello, when you must be comfortable holding uncomfortable silences. Always remember your patience will be continually tested. The first date is one of those tests.

The Worst First Date Mistakes

Men have weird brains. We love to visualize our goals. The things we want.

There have been many things published that say when a man meets a girl he is excited about, he begins envisioning himself doing things with her. Going out. Having fun. Being a couple. (Even I have advised over and over that you before you ask a girl out you must determine if you could see yourself having fun with her).

The reality of dating is a little more rocky and awkward than society’s ideal. If you are prepared to ignore the pressures from society to be romantic, you can stand out as the best first date ever by doing basically nothing.

No flowers. No fancy dinners. None of that stuff. You don’t even have to pick her up.

A girl sent me a screenshot of this conversation with her friend and basically wanted me to explain to her what was wrong with men.

Facebook messenger real first date

A girl sent me this screenshot, and there is so much irony in her request

The issue with this message is it buys into the same lie that men are told. The lie that if a guy is sweet and brings her flowers and picks her up that she will appreciate and adore him.

Well, the EXACT OPPOSITE is true.

I have hooked up with this girl in the past. We have a fantastic relationship and she obviously respects my opinion (put a pin in that, it will come back up). I’m sure if I were available she would choose me over a large selection of men as a boyfriend.

But I have never once done any of the things she says she wants! Except the part about “without asking me wtf I wanna do.” Men should ALWAYS have a plan for the date.

I know that tons of guys try to do those “romantic” things with girls and it blows up in their faces. I even learned this stuff the hard way myself. Society is full of shit and will embarrass you and everyone will “get it” but you.

The problem with this girl’s line of thought is it SKIPS STEPS. It makes critical assumptions and skips all the things you must accomplish on the first date.

Key Takeaways

Ignore what girls SAY they want on a first date. I’ve banged more girls than them. Listen to me.

The Problem With Traditional First Dates

The problem with traditional first dates is it isn’t like it was back in the day.  You don’t live in a town of 50 people, where you know everybody at your school, and know the two generations above and below them.

These days you’re usually going out with a total stranger you met online.

If you show up to a girl’s house to pick her up with flowers and take her somewhere nice, she is going to think you are either:

  • A. Desperate
  • B. A Serial Killer
  • C. A desperate serial killer about to slip something in her drink; maybe harvest her kidneys or sell her into sex slavery, Taken style

That’s the reality we live in.

The problem with girl’s false romantic fantasies is they SKIP STEPS. It happens to both genders. Let me take one second to explain that.

Men do this too. It’s the same problem with advice that men give each other. For instance, they say:

  • “Treat her like your annoying little sister,”
  • Be “cocky funny” (You can see that explode in disaster several times in Hang-Ups and Hangovers)
  • “Neg her” (Basically means belittle her to lower her value and raise your own. Personally, I’m not a fan.)

The first date is NOT the time to practice this advice. Instead, just be your most congruent self. The Jamesest James you can be.

This advice is bad for first dates because it assumes she already gives a shit about your opinion. Most likely she does not.

Key Takeaways

Girls think they want romance on the first date, but their fantasy skips important steps.

The reality is that girls want romance from someone they are comfortable with and whose opinion they care about (they are already comfortable with their fantasy dates).

Going too far on the first date will come off as desperate and super creepy. Don’t do it.

Multiple Interactions Build Comfort – NOT Time

You need to build comfort and familiarity, which is another aspect of dating that does NOT follow logic.

For instance, you meet a girl, hit it off, talk to her for 5 hours. You’d think she’d be comfortable with you. The truth is it’s not the time or quality of time that matter most but the NUMBER OF INTERACTIONS that matter.

Need More Details On This Topic?

If you meet a girl at a party. Talk to her for 30 minutes and get her number, she will be fairly comfortable with you on the first date at another location. If you guys leave the first date after two hours and have a second date, you will be miles ahead of the person who had one interaction even though it was 5 hours of great conversation.

There’s just something about multiple interactions that lends tons of comfort and familiarity. This is where patience comes in. You can use this knowledge to your favor.

For instance, you may want to talk to her forever and ever when you first meet her or on your first date. Don’t do it. Just talk for an hour, two hours max, then split. You want to try and get the NUMBER of interactions up. That’s the winning strategy.

Another example of using this knowledge to your benefit: when on a date, take girls to streets with multiple bars. There is scientific evidence (real psychology studies) that show by switching venues mid date, you can basically “hack” your comfort level.

Walking out of one bar and into another sets a new scene and basically creates a brand new interaction. This is a classic strategy to getting girls into bed on the first date. You bounce between two bars; that’s two interactions. Bring her back to your place, third interaction. It has the same mental power as being on a third date.

romantic boats and fair stuff for first date

Take her somewhere that you can get to multiple venues on foot whenever possible.

KNOWING THIS, you can even use this to your advantage in conversation:

Things are getting hot and heavy at your place and she says, “This is so crazy, we’re moving so fast!” you say, “Fast? Woman this is our fourth date!”
“What do you mean? This is definitely our first date!”
“Well, we met at Starbucks. Remember? I asked you what you were working on and you thought I was super hot and demanded my number right away and threatened me with violence.”
“Oh, I did, huh?”
“Yup. You said, ‘oh my gah, you so sessy. I have to kill you.’ And I was like, ‘fine, fine, have my number.’ ANYWAYS. Then we met at Bar A tonight, remember?”
“I remember that.”
“Okay, that was our second date.”
“That was our FIRST date.”
“Shut up. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. You just sound crazy right now. So ANYWAYS. Then we went to BAR B and that was our THIRD DATE! Now we are here, my place, on our fourth date.”
“You’re so stupid/crazy/insane/retarded.” (That’s the winningest phrase a girl can utter. When you hear that, JUMP FOR JOY!)

Use this conversation to your advantage. It’s fun. It’s cute. It works.

Key Takeaways

The number of interactions, not their quality, not their duration, matters the most in building comfort.

Hack this by switching venues mid-date.

Your First Date Location

You’ve already gotten a hint. If you want to build the most comfort, you take her somewhere that you can change venues easily. Also, it’s best to be near your place.

First: it makes it super easy to bounce the date to your house if it is going well.

Here’s another hack (I’m about to use my psychology degree a little bit here so bear with me): if she has to drive a little further to be at a bar by your house, this creates cognitive dissonance in her subconscious.

What is dissonance? Think of it like this: If this dissonance were consciously spoken it would be something like, “Why am I driving all the way to meet this guy?” Dissonance is uncomfortable for humans and it triggers her ego to go into defense mode.

As a result, her ego subconsciously resolves the dissonance to make her feel comfortable again. If the resolution were consciously spoken it would sound something like, “I am driving out this far because (something makes it worth it) he’s a great guy/I like him/he’s cute/etc.”

Sometimes she will even CONSCIOUSLY speak to you without realizing what she is doing.

A girl drove like 35 minutes to meet me for a coffee once. She got her coffee and then came to my table. She set her coffee down and said, “I just drove 35 minutes to have coffee with you. You better feel special.”

This means she was both consciously and subconsciously aware of the lengthy distance she drove for our date. She obviously resolved her objection because she was THERE. If she failed to resolve the dissonance with a logical reason she would flake. By BEING THERE, I knew her subconscious had already planted a helpful seed (her logical justification for meeting me) for me.

I get it, this all seems way crazy in depth. It also reeks of manipulation. These are not steadfast rules you need to employ to “trick” girls. Don’t MAKE girls go out of their way to hang out with you. Just be aware of the mechanics because they are important.

Key Takeaways

Select a location near your house at all costs. Even if she has to drive a little ways.

Also, it is a bonus if you can go somewhere you can change venues mid-date.

Do You Pick Her Up?

I’ve probably only picked up one girl for a first date. And that girl was Stacey from Redheads and Bedspreads because she really didn’t have a car at the time. Otherwise, you guys should probably meet somewhere near your place for the first date.

Zombie killing pickup truck

Nothing makes her feel safe like a man in a zombie-apocalypse-ready pickup truck.

Guys are pressured to “impress” girls and do romantic stuff like be a gentleman and pick her up. Like that text message I posted above.

Girls THINK they want this sort of treatment, but how many “nice guys” have they labeled creepy or desperate for trying that stupid shit? All of them.

Instead, you need to treat her the way a reasonable person would treat any other reasonable person: with a slight bit of skepticism. Are you sure this is the girl for you? Is she just putting on an act to impress you or is this the real her? Will she be worth giving up your Tuesday night and some cash?

You should think this way because a guy who values his time thinks these kinds of thoughts. He values his time because he’s certain of himself and knows he’s just as good as the girl he’s going to meet. He doesn’t feel he’s beneath her or need to “impress” her. Being certain of yourself is confident. Chicks love guys with confidence.

Key Takeaways

Don’t pick her up. Don’t bring flowers or anything overtly “romantic.”

Doing this on a first date will make you come off creepy and desperate. Just bring yourself and some charm.

You can do the other stuff later once you’ve built some comfort.

First Dates Are Always On Weekdays

There is no more boring day of the week than Tuesday. Therefore, Tuesday is my FAVORITE date night. When you’re out with a girl you don’t want to deal with:

  • Crowds
  • Competition
  • Loud noises
  • Drunk people
  • Her friends
  • Your friends

Weekends are NOT date nights. This is another classic, “skipping steps,” scenario. Once you guys are an item and comfortable with each other, you can bring her out with your friends and have fun in large groups and crowds.

If you try to lock down her weekend, her knee-jerk reaction will fall somewhere in this realm: “I want to hang out with my friends on my weekends. I need ‘me time.’ I want to just have fun. Why doesn’t he have plans? Where are his friends? I said no to Friday and he offered Saturday. Does he have NOTHING to do? Why does he cancel plans for me? He doesn’t even know me.”

First dates are a lot of pressure for both parties, especially if you don’t go on a lot of first dates and aren’t comfortable with them yet. She doesn’t want that shit at the end of her work week.

Tuesday, baby. Tuesday.

She won’t have shit going on Tuesday, and you probably won’t either. It makes logical sense that you both will be free. Venues should be quiet enough that you can talk to each other. And there shouldn’t be any distractions. Finally, Tuesday is still early enough in the week that (hopefully) neither one of you are in burnt-out “Friday mode,” yet.

Also, why DON’T you have plans for Friday and Saturday? C’mon, man.

Key Takeaways

Ask her out on a weekday.

The best date-days (in order): Tuesday, Wednesday, Monday, Thursday, Sunday, Friday/Saturday.

Weekends are for wil’ing out with your friends; NOT DATES.

That’s it for today James. I thought I would talk about what to do on first dates in this letter but I already have way too much written as it is. I will go into more depth about what to do on a first date in my next letter.

Good luck,

Kyle

About the Author Kyle Milligan

I'm Kyle Milligan, I write New Adult Books that don't suck. i.e. The Hang-Ups and Hangovers series. I like to write about the challenges of being a single twenty-something in today's hookup culture. My blog offers Dating Advice For Men.

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